Artichokes! Egregious Pun Alert

So the story is told of a group of mean and nasty triplets, who as children bullied everyone and as adults were thieves and thugs.  They terrorized the neighborhood where they lived to the point where the residents appealed to a local hitman, "Artie Bighands" to do away with them.  "Guys," says Artie, "these three guys bullied me when I was a kid.  I can't stand them either.  Tell you what; I'll do it for just a buck."  The townspeople gladly handed it over.  Late that night, he followed the trio into the all-night mega-mart.  When they split up to do their weekly shoplifting, he tracked each one down and strangled him, leaving the bodies in the aisles.  Unfortunately the store camera caught him and inevitably, the next evening's news story was. . .of course. . . "Artie Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Local Store."

OK, OK, I'm sorry.  A true fun fact is that back when Marilyn Monroe was still Norma Jean, she was crowned the Artichoke Queen at the Artichoke Festival in Castroville.  Here's a link to a neat food history blog with the whole story:  http://www.theoldfoodie.com/2007/06/queen-of-artichokes.html.

Tonight I'm cooking my baby artichokes from Saturday as a snack - I get home too late for a full dinner on Tuesdays, and these are easy and satisfying.  The artichokes I have are about the size of a tennis ball.  Before you start, take the pot you're going to cook them in and fill it with water, then squeeze in the juice from half a lemon; or add 1/4 cup of last night's white wine; or hit it with 1/4 cup of white wine or cider vinegar (the last option's a little harsh for my taste).  This keeps the artichokes from browning after you cut them.  The fancy term for this is "acidulated water" (ooooohhhhh). 

I'm going to tell you to do the trimming backwards of most cookbooks, but it's safer and easier.  Pull off all the tough outside leaves until you have an outer row of brighter green leaves that you can see from top to bottom (no more short rows).  Trim the stem to 1/2" below the bottom of the artichoke and cut each artichoke in half lengthwise.  Put them immediately into the water.  Pull out a half, put it flat side down on your board and cut off the pointy ends of the leaves on the top.  This can be anywhere from 1/4" to 1/2", depending on the 'choke.  Toss it back in the pot.  When you've done this to all 4 halves, take out your Secret Weapon:  the melon baller you haven't used since "Dallas" went off the air.  Take an artichoke half out of the water and turn it cut-side-up on your board.  Right above the "heart", which is really the bottom of the artichoke, you'll see and feel some fuzzy stuff.  It's not good to eat, so you want to cut or scrape it out.  This is where the melon baller comes in.  You can use it to scoop the fuzzy stuff - or "choke" out fairly easily.

That was the hard part, and it's harder to read than to do.  Now put your pot on the stove and bring it to a boil.  Turn it down and simmer (low bubble) until the hearts (bottom part) are tender when you pierce them with a fork.  Mine took about 10 minutes.  Now comes the fun part:  for a lot of us artichoke lovers, they are really a vehicle for whatever you want to dip them in.  I like a curry mayonnaise, which I make by mixing 2 Tablespoons of (in my case) soy mayonnaise with 1/2 teaspoon of curry powder.  If you don't use spices like curry very often, find a bulk supplier like my friends at Gold Leaf and just buy as much as you need. You can also dip them in lemon butter, garlic butter, olive oil and lemon, a vinaigrette, or, if you're having Paula Deen over, butter and butter. Bottom line - you can dip in anything you like that tastes good.  You can eat the artichokes cold or warm.  Hot is sort of challenging.

How to eat an artichoke:
Do this only with people who love you.  Preferably make sure they're doing it at the same time.  For the rougher outer leaves, pull them off, dip them (everyone gets her own dip container, please) and then, put the leaf between your teeth and scrape off the "meat" and dip.  Discard the leaf.  As you get toward the center, you'll be able to eat the whole leaves, as they are younger and tender.  Then you have the best part - the artichoke heart.  Break it into bite-size pieces (or double-dip - you have your own container) and dip and enjoy.   Yum!!!

Enjoy; I'll see you next time at the market!